I’ve come out of the closet twice in my life. The first time was about my sexual orientation, almost three years into my first long-term relationship with a woman, and the second time was, fifteen years later, about my complex PTSD diagnosis. This diagnosis was an ice-cold shock to my system, and I worried that I was damaged beyond repair.  

The reason I was in a therapist’s office to begin with was that I walked out of my peaceful marriage from a loyal wife. There was an itch inside of me, most of my adult life, that something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was. So I ignored it and distracted myself by overworking and seeking external measures of achievement. I found myself at 40 with a thriving career in biotech, a loving wife, and a brand new house. But, I also felt empty and disconnected from my spouse and myself.  

Thankfully, life threw challenges my way and woke me up. Typical challenges such as feeling deeply disappointed that I didn’t have children or the start up I worked for being acquired by a large biotech, accompanied by the fear I would lose my job in this acquisition. I got so overwhelmed that I abruptly left my marriage rather than rolling up my sleeves and working through things with my partner.  

The relief I felt by being alone, in my rental airbnb, was a major red flag that I dealt with hard things by not dealing. By avoidance. Even worse, I pretended everything was okay as the life I carefully built was falling apart. Anytime a colleague asked the standard question “how are you today?” I replied with a smile on my face “I’m great.” This inauthenticity extended to my family and friends. I was afraid of being rejected if I didn’t appear like I had it all together.   

I couldn’t outrun the shadow of my childhood anymore and my demons were loose. They even haunted me in my sleep with apocalyptic nightmares. My insides were being torn apart by a tornado and the more I tried to control the cyclone inside the more fiercely the wind blew. I had to heal. I had to change to live the life I wanted to live. To be the person that I wanted to be.

Ultimately, I was treated by an expert that specialized in trauma. My therapist guided me on a transformational journey using treatments such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems, and Neurofeedback. In between weekly counseling appointments, I devoured research and books on trauma, philosophy, psychology, and health. I added meditation, exercise, and writing into my routine. And I started reading brave people’s stories about their battles with trauma, and I got insights and inspiration from them. These stories made me feel less alone. I gradually got better. At times, there were some steps backwards and walking in circles to heal. On average though, I improved and learned to connect to my emotions and use tools to manage the hard emotions. Then I plateaued for many months. I was stuck. Why am I stuck? I wondered.

 A breakthrough occurred when I started serving others. I was teaching a high school class and listening to a student who opened up to me about being in the foster care system. I empathized with the student and a sentence escaped my mouth “I have lived on my own since I was 15.” This simple statement was my first step out of the closet about my history with trauma. It was shame that kept me stuck and storytelling (and service) that liberated me. I took baby steps for a while then I wrote an article about my healing journey. People need to be ready to share and have safety to do so, with a supportive person and in a safe environment.

Journaling was one of the mechanisms that aided my own recovery and growth, and it became the foundation for my book. It inspires me that so many courageous people are stepping out of the shadow of shame to share. It is a privilege to join those who share their stories.