The Hidden Weight of Secrets by Babs Walters

How much does a secret weigh? Unlike eating too much, when we step on a scale, we can’t tell if carrying our secret got heavier today. Unfortunately, no one has invented a scale yet that can measure the weight of a secret. However, we do know what makes it heavier and what can be done to lighten the load.

We all have them. The things we don’t say or let others know about ourselves. The truths we tuck away and pretend they don’t exist. Maybe it's something that happened to us, something we survived but never said out loud. Whether it’s an embarrassing mistake, a painful betrayal, a hidden aspect of our identity, or simply something that feels too personal to reveal, secrets are universal to all humans. But while keeping something private can feel like self-preservation, research increasingly shows that holding onto secrets for long periods of time can do real psychological and even physical harm.

It's what adds bulk to our secrets that makes them a burden. Things like fear, shame, guilt and judgment. Keeping a secret can affect not only how we interact with others but even how we experience our own thoughts about them.

The act of keeping a secret might not necessarily be stressful at the time. The burden lies in the way we mentally revisit the secret. For example, is it with feelings of shame and isolation? I know hiding my family secret left me feeling all alone in the world and ashamed I couldn’t do anything to free myself from the situation. I felt like a failure. A loser. Someone no one would like if they knew the truth about me.

Carrying a secret often leads to anxiety, depression, and constant worry. Our minds revisit the secret over and over, trying to prepare for what might happen if it’s revealed. This mental circling can take up significant cognitive space, draining energy and affecting focus and mood. It can be all consuming. Exhausting our energy while magnifying it’s size and importance.

Holding back information from those closest to us can create emotional distance, a barrier or wall between us and them. People often report feeling inauthentic or disconnected in relationships where they’re keeping significant secrets. Even if the other person is unaware, the secret-holder may feel guilt or fear of being discovered, which can erode trust and intimacy. Even though I had disassociated from my family secret at the time, it followed me into adulthood. Into my marriage. And the day it unexpectedly surfaced, it shook the foundation of our relationship.  My husband felt betrayed. I felt helpless not knowing how to undo the damage. It wasn’t just a memory anymore. It was a living thing, well fed on silence.

Studies have found that individuals like me who suppressed emotional experiences, showed increased physiological stress responses such as higher heart rates, increased cortisol levels, and weakened immune systems. Not just weakened relationships.

Other studies have shown that holding back thoughts and feelings has an impact on physical health. Especially in people who keep traumatic or shameful secrets. They are more likely to experience common health problems such as headaches, back pain, and sleeplessness.

Keeping secrets can fire up self-judgment and erode self-worth. The longer a person holds onto something they believe makes them "bad" or "unacceptable," the more it becomes part of their internal identity. The way they see and think of themselves. They may start to believe that if others knew the truth, they wouldn’t be loved or accepted. It’s this belief that perpetuates loneliness and shame. If I think you won’t accept me, I probably won’t even try to approach or be friends with you. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If secrecy creates emotional and physical tolls, it follows that release through sharing can offer relief. But sharing doesn’t have to mean broadcasting your secret to the world or even telling someone you know. What matters is finding a safe outlet that helps you externalize what’s been locked up inside.

The act of putting secrets into words, whether spoken or written, seems to reduce their emotional power. Talking or writing about the secret lessens the psychological burden as well. In journal writing courses or oral histories workshops I have conducted, participants are guided and assisted with telling. But sharing is always optional.

In the age of the internet, anonymous sharing has become an unexpected therapeutic benefit. Online platforms such as my “Secret No More” allows people to share their secrets without fear of social consequence. These spaces often offer a surprising sense of connection, validation, and catharsis. Especially when others relate to the anonymous post with empathy and kinship.

If a secret feels like a burden, if it isolates you, haunts you, or impacts your health, it may be time to consider sharing it in some way. That’s why I created the checklist called “How to Tell if You’re Ready to Tell.” In it I offer three stages of readiness. Not all of them require an announcement at large.

Secrets have power, not just because of what they hide, but because of how they make us feel when we carry them. The longer we hold them in, the heavier they become. They can cloud our relationships, our health, and our sense of self. But sharing, whether out loud, in writing, or even anonymously, can lift that weight. It doesn’t erase the past, but it changes how we carry it.

In a world that often pressures us to present perfect images of ourselves, acknowledging the imperfect parts can be liberating. As science and human experience continue to show, we don’t have to bear our secrets alone. Speaking the truth, even in whispers, helps us breathe a little easier and live a little freer.

Secrets just don’t live in the shadows of our minds. They live in our bodies, our relationships, and our sense of self. That’s why telling is a big part of healing.  The bathroom scale may not flash that you’ve lost weight. But the peace it brings will definitely leave you feeling lighter.